road going nowhere

a brain thats melted in pills, skin sliced over and over. lines that layer and feelings
that don't. everything is too much. like the melting walls that I see and the animals that
smile, animals that die. things we kill. my mind thats so taken over with pain I can't think
straight. a car on a road going nowhere, im the road, I'm nowhere. I don't deserve love,
but I'll give it to you and anyone else, because I wish I could be loved the same.
doll body filled with coke zero and smoke. I can't stand myself. how can anyone stand me?.
feelings going nowhere, pain that floats. my voice that gets ignored. I told you I was right.
no one listens to me, I don't mind, it's ok I'll be fine. I wish I didn't care, but I do.
trees that blossom and die every year. I die at night and blossom again in the morning.
surprised I'm still breathing. for my days have ended and started again too many times.
I wish I was an angel in the sky that didn't have to feel, but I do. and I can't float like
I want to. I can't scream like I want to. just let me disappear but you won't because I can't
and I'm here again on the same road going nowhere. a bottle of coke zero that's fizzed up about
to explode. I'm the bottle. let me explode. hills and hills of green happy plants. in
juxtaposition with my sadness- it feels wrong. everything is wrong. one day I'll wake up alone
and everything will end. fill me up with pills and leave me for dead. yes it goes against human
nature. but what about me is natural? everythings gone at last. when I float it goes away, but I
always fall back down harder than before. I'm stuck in a cycle of hurt. and hurt, and I hurt
people. and it goes round and around and around; and the rollercoaster of it all makes me sick
of myself. I will never be able to tell anyone how sorry I am. even my tears look like manipulation.
I can't beat that. how do I win that?. everything I don't say is a chance I let pass. everything will
be gone one day. and when I'm alone. It'll be ok. because then they're safe. and I can't hurt anyone
anymore. dead trees that look like bones. a spine of wood that can't move. I hope one day I look like
that. I'm sick to my stomach and I smell like cigarettes. I wish I could be at peace.


it's a horrible feeling to be ignored. time and time again, it finds me. in an aisle of dead fish
cold and alone, an audience of gaping, cruel eyes, staring back at me. dead eyes; like the fish
my hair was pink, my coat was green, I stood out. I was frozen like the fish. my heart broken into
pieces, like the crushed ice that became their final resting place. In a soon-to-be done up bedroom,
that could hardly be called it. with one bed and no furniture, in a jumper that wasn't mine. those
dark days were the worst. I felt numb. I felt dead. maybe I should've been. I remember taking one
too many of my mothers pills. and not being able to walk. my legs felt heavy, those tiny blue-coloured
dots held so much escape. almost like magic.

too far apart

I remember the day, it was so cold. the lights from the shop next to us were reflected on wet concrete.
in a corner by a wall, sitting on a curb. too far apart. I remember feeling their eyes on me.
your hand had looked so pretty, but I couldn't hold it. you wouldn't have let me. and even though,
right now, months ahead. you're asleep right next to me. mine forever and forever lovely. I can't
forget the pain I felt. I remember they called you, frantically. asking where you were. it felt as if
you didn't know me. like you'd moved on. like you didn't want me. and they were scared you were with me.
and when you had to go. I couldn't let you go. I remember my hand ached from clinging onto your bag.
It felt like all I had left was that bag. I begged you not to go. asking for one more night at my house
"when we still had forever" I'd said. but you left, and I cried for you. I wonder how you remember it

time's destruction

life is weird. in ways I didn't expect. you can go through things ans think you're the same,
as you once were. but then before you know it, you're not; you're a completely different person
I look at my old self and I don't see me. almost a version of me. that was different in every way
is this the way I'm meant to be? or is it the other way around?. what moments led up to how I feel, could I have avoided?.