dream journal   list of future plans/ideas

2ND NOVEMBER, 2021

kill what you can't save
i'm not worth much anyway
dead stuff in my head
get it out, get it out
kill my head, get rid
icky, gross, nothing to like
disgusting, horrible little kid
ruin me and bury my body
6ft below with maggots and worms
make sure to hurt me first
rip me apart, make it enough
the burdens heavier than I thought
too much, get it out
they're coming for me
want to rush the process
no! no! no!, kill me first
i've said enough already


29TH NOVEMBER, 2021

dizzy sick angel,
do I look nice from this angle?
the room spins
colours of pink, blue, purple
my head is so heavy
what's wrong with me?
my hands are numb, my muscles ache
I swear I just ate!
EAT! EAT! EAT!
I wish it was that easy
I'll organise it instead
pink pretty dresses look nicer on a skeleton
will you like me more?
I want to look as sick as I feel
I'm nothing.
you are what you eat
am I sick enough yet?
can you see my ribs yet?
rip my organs out
maybe then i'll be prettier
HIT ME! HIT ME! HIT ME!
maybe then I'm worth something


20TH JANUARY, 2022

I finally got my journals back from the police.
it was strange.. getting it in an evidence bag.
they'd picked apart everything I said, every vent
entry, thought, feeling, idea, drawing, sketch, photo
it's not reminiscent of me now, though. that me.. is different.
she's angry, hurt, upset, struggling, and crying out for someone.
but don't be fooled, she would've clung onto you like vermin.
she's also murderous, angry beyong belief, and morbid.
the me now I'd said is happy, curious, morbid, yes. but twisted in
a way it's pretty. morbid without the gruesome mind.
at least I think so. I know what they were looking for.
anything related to Eric Harris. which I know is bad.
but I'm not obsessed like I was.


22ND JANUARY, 2022

what doesn't kill me, makes me wish I was dead. I want to be sick, poorly, I want
people to look at me and be disgusted because so am I. I say all this, and I
eat anyways. I need to have better self-control, but I don't. I want to be anorexic.
I need to be. I love my boyfriend, but he won't let me self-destruct. what if I
want to ruin myself?, what if I want to take too many drugs. or starve to death.
I know he loves me, and I love him, but I'm not worth anything. I'm not.
I ruin things, I ruin everything. I've ruined myself. how does anyone deal with anything?
how are you supposed to deal with hating yourself?, or losing things I cherished.
what- I'm supposed to just carry on like normal? as if everything
didn't ruin itself, everything crumbled and I just let it. I don't want him to think
I'm not happy, because I am. I'm so at peace with him. but not with myself and I can't deal.
I wish everything stopped sometimes because stuff moves too fast. I wish I was able to protect
little me, the innocent girl who had to deal with too much, because she's still there. inside.
and she won't go away, nothing does, existing is too difficult and nothing good ever lasts.
I wish I was able to tell him this more often, to say how I feel. but honestly,
I'm worried that if I'm too open, he won't want me anymore, if he realised how much I struggle,
how much I hate myself. that he'd rather be with someone else. no matter how
caring/considerate I can be. at the same time what if I did destroy myself?
wouldn't he just worry too much? and ignore too many of
his own feelings to try and "fix" me, when it's impossible.


23RD JANUARY, 2022

my life has changed so much, in such a short space of time. and even though I'm able
to relax now, with him. it doesn't mean nothing ever happened. I lost my bunny, all of them.
in a way I lost my brother, because he'll never live with me again. he stayed. I ran away.
and yes, it was exciting, and fun, and I felt like I was finally living. even if you
run the way you feel is still the same. it didn't change anything. and I'm glad I could hurt
my dad, the way he hurt me. maybe that's made me just as bad, I don't care.

I went from living in my caravan with my bunny peacefully, to being ripped away to a place I
hated, she was there at first, but I couldn't keep her there. I still don't forgive myself for putting
her in the caravan alone. even though I visited everyday. every day living there felt like a battle
I felt like I could never breathe or be myself. I was terrified. and then with my dad was even worse.
I went from being an awkward teenager, without any friends, to having parties, meeting my boyfriend, drinking, smoking,
spending days on end with him just doing whatever we wanted. and in a way it feels like I've lost myself. I told myself
I'd never do those things.


12TH MARCH, 2022

things are weird, I finally got a mental health assessment, as an adult. I'm 18 now.
there was an eating disorder specialist there too, which made me feel fake. I'm not anorexic.